Not sure what happened, but i found this post deleted and the partial draft in my to update list. weird cause it had a good comment on it already.
Dating.
Here in Happy Valley I am inundated by that word. It is mentioned at least once at church meetings, professors attempting to hook me up with somebody, friends wondering why I'm single, friends wondering why they're single, friends wondering why a third party is single, parents wondering when I'm going to provide a grandchild or twenty, yadda yadda yaddam you get the picture.
My problem with dating is my lack of comprehension. A famous saying states that the definition of insanity is the repetition of an activity with the expectation of a varied result. Sounds like dating to me.
A lot of discussion on dating has been stimulated in response to an address at general conference talk given by President Thomas S. Monson (President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) a few months ago. The talk was directed at us young men in the church, the main idea being as follows:
“Now, I have thought a lot lately about you young men who are of an age to marry but who have not yet felt to do so. I see lovely young ladies who desire to be married and to raise families, and yet their opportunities are limited because so many young men are postponing marriage.
Perhaps you are having a little too much fun being single, taking extravagant vacations, buying expensive cars and toys, and just generally enjoying the carefree life with your friends. I’ve encountered groups of you running around together, and I admit that I’ve wondered why you aren’t out with the young ladies.”
I feel that each gender generally blames the other for their dating woes and in that lies truth. Both sides are responsible for dating problems. If girls were doing everything right they would be out on dates all the time. If boys were doing everything right girls wouldn't complain continually about the dating faux pas the last guy that took her out committed
In this lies the secret to the dating dilemma, once we know what each sex is sucking at, hopefully we can find a solution.
The problem: what exactly are girls and guys doing wrong? I'm going to present a general list which I have compiled from various sources including both sexes. This doesn't exactly reflect my personal opinion and those of you who know me well will discern the differences.
Let’s start with the ladies.
Honesty: telling a guy why you don’t want to date him is a courtesy, not a backhanded thing to do. Most guys can appreciate the chance to grow and learn.
Communication: guys will never understand girls, make your communication more direct and easily decipherable. We guys can be dense so so we don't pick up subtleties or code. Be straight up with us.
Appearance: most guys look for the physical attraction first. You might just have to play to that if you aren't getting dates. This doesn't mean caking on the makeup or showing a bit of extra skin, just don't dress sloppy.
Appearance: most guys look for the physical attraction first. You might just have to play to that if you aren't getting dates. This doesn't mean caking on the makeup or showing a bit of extra skin, just don't dress sloppy.
Openness: don’t always be so busy that guys can’t ever get to know you or take you out. Even if you are busy don’t let them know that. Staying up all night to finish a project that a boy didn’t know about so you could go out with him aint so bad every once and a while.
Humor: everyone does stupid things, be able to laugh at yourself and awkward situations on dates, chance is the date realizes it is just as awkward as you do
Bitterness: no guy wants to ask out a bitter girl.
Now onto my side of the spectrum:
Communication: guys in general seem to be champions at leading girls on. If you like a girl, spend time with her, and tell her. if you don’t, don’t ask her to do things with or for you without putting up the friend clause.
Judging: I would say that most guys are quick to judge girls based solely on their appearance. Give a girl more than a once over before you ask her out, it could save you from a terribly boring night where you end up just making out because she can’t hold a conversation and it gives girls a chance that aren’t the drop dead gorgeous stereotype. 95% of men are dating 5% of the women or something like that…
Acceptance: If a girl is hinting that they like you, double check and then accept it and act appropriately. If a girl is saying no, accept it and move on.
Finance: don’t plan expensive dates, it makes you not want to date and breaks the bank.
Commitment: only hardcore pursue a girl if you are genuinely interested. Cut the noncommittal crap.
Yah well this doesn't change my current position. Send back ideas and criticisms concerning these points
My Stake President in Logan gave a talk that changed my whole perspective on the dating/marriage thing. He explained that marriage itself is ordained of God. It is His idea -- His plan. Which makes dating interesting, because we take the ideas of men, and try to use them to achieve the purpose God wants us to. Basically the sum of the talk was: throw out any worldly ideas of what perfect dating 'should' be like - how long you should date for, what you should do, ect. ect. and go by the spirit. It'll tell you where to go and what to look for and how to act. When you walk into dating with preconceived notions about what it is 'supposed' to be like you'll just end up frustrated.
ReplyDeleteI think we all are also way to obsessed with finding the perfect person. If we were more worried about living by the spirit and doing what the Lord would have us do, and less concerned with when our marriage date will be, everyone would be a lot happier.
“I see lovely young ladies who desire to be married and to raise families, and yet their opportunities are limited because so many young men are postponing marriage."
ReplyDeleteSeriously? Excuse the little microcosm of rage that is about to spew from me. I find I take a tad bit of umbrage to such a generalized statement. A woman does not and is not limited by men that are postponing marriage. Those men that do so are not the men they should be going after. Why would you even want them If the did not reciprocate your desire to date and then marry? When people are ready to settle down and find a mate for life they go out looking. Just because every man on the planet isn't going for marriage isn't limiting one single woman. These men are not at fault for the women that are not married as they want to be. The women are. They should go out and find some fish that want their bait.*shakes fists in rage* This is a matter of individual accountability. Yes, it is part of the divine plans of many religions to pair and propagate as well as our DNA. However, I believe all things come in due time. If perhaps an individual is spending all that money on said extravagance perhaps they are not ready for the selflessness a partnership would require. If prone to wanderlust how would they maintain a relationship long enough to ensure a proper courtship?
I'd rather a person that is not ready for marriage stay out of the union until they are ready. Furthermore, as many people mature and evolve individually that is up to them. I myself would loath to settle down at the moment as my degree remains unfinished and thus my desired career undeveloped. I have no steady income and even more so a constantly evolving sense of self as I educate. you do not instantly become an adult but grow into it. I would imagine that binding another to my undeveloped state would be unjust. These are not the days where we have to marry girls off at 15 and start popping out babies.
That spasm of detest aside I do think you are quite right about the genders liking to place blame upon on another and it is a pity his words propagate this via what sounds like an elegant guilt trip aimed at the young single male portion of the congregation. Both genders need to fluff/pander as much as as the other when they are in search of a mate or even just a date. You cannot sit at home unwashed and expect to have the partners of your desire beating down your door. I believe you are honestly making some of the best points in the case of both sexes. women that want a stud muffin need to get into the sort of physical shape that would attract such a specimen. Males that seriously want a more than visually engaging date have to force themselves to look beyond the book cover or at the very least read the title. People that have strong relgious or political deal breakers should be searching for dates in the venues that cater to those views in which they are particular. If you're a nice girl who never drinks you should not be looking for Mr. Right in a booty club. Same as if you are a intellectual guy looking for an engaging partner. You would not go to a bar but a library.
(had to continue)
ReplyDeleteThen there is the issue of honesty. The more blunt, straightforward, and in few words you can say it the more often what you where saying will get your communication across. "I like spending time with you. Would you like to go out to event X with me." or "I enjoy your company, stay for dinner and I'll cook you something." (granted this is a little dry and inorganic but you get the drift of the examples.) You should state after more than a few dates if your looking for a long-term relationship or not. There is no need to mention marriage, but you need to eventually establish if it is a relationship of casual type or not. Both genders alike need to not accept favors or manipulate them into favors if not in honest pursuit of continued company. Friendship lines sometimes need to be drawn, by both sexes.(I see women doing this more than men in my area of the world--trapping guys in the friend zone and expecting them to treat them out as if they were dating.) Regrettably, sometime they even need to be reinforced. OH, an I too wish men would stop with the extravagance. Do you men realize ridiculous it is to a woman a tennis bracelet under the one year mark of dating is. Neither should be spending hundreds of dollars on the other in such early phases of the relationships. Besides, think about this from a economical POV , could you really afford doing that over and over again. Also there is the factor of upping the atnty to early. If you get the girl something like that then later on down the road how are you gonna continue that trend. The truth is that you are not and then she is liable to be insecure enough that she has come to expect such expenditure and that you no longer “love” her. Think of it this way not only are you saving money but you are setting the present bar low so that if the relationship continues you only have but up to go.
http://dating.about.com/od/occasionsholidays/tp/HolidayGiftGivingRules.htm
http://thedatingpapers.com/being-present-giving-gifts/
Anyways, that's my two cents...